An Hour a Day
by Victoriaaaaa
Summary: She gives herself an hour a day to think about him Set post 3x13, and pre 4x01
1. Chapter 1

When they first went under Nick offered her some advice on how to survive this, he didn't mean getting the job done, and going home. He meant how to get through this next laps in time where she couldn't be with the one she loved.

Nick had done it with Gail, twice now. "_You give yourself an hour, an hour a day to let your mind be completely consumed by them, their laugh, smile, your favourite memories with them, the biggest fight you ever had. You let yourself feel for them again, and allow your mind to be removed from the job. It's the only way you can survive this without them. But you have to reeve that once that time is up you need to let go of them, or you'll be destroyed by your emotions. Okay?"_ He asked her, she nodded before getting up slowly and stepped out to their balcony of their apartment.

She let her breathing even out as she looked at the scenery that unraveled before her eyes. She hasn't really taken the time to stop and think how long she would be gone for, or what it would be like to not see him. Her heart ached at the thought of being away from him for longer than the time between the start and finish of a shift, or a night before seeing him dimply smile in parade, and hearing him say her name.

She realized in that moment that if she had thought about all of that, the time away, the space between them she would have never gone, sure she didn't want to be "_that girl"_ but she also **was** the girl that was madly in love with Sam Swarek, and she probably always would be. _How the hell am I going to do this?_ She thought as her eyes began to well with tears. She waited until she knew Nick would be asleep before returning back inside, she didn't want him to see her like this, break up buddy or not, he didn't need to worry about her head not being here on the job and not at home with Sam.

Opening the door, slowly walking back into the apartment. She looked at the clock that Nick had placed right about the stove, it read **11:49pm**, _alright_, she thought. _I have until 12:59 to allow myself to be that girl, that girl that would give up everything for a guy._ Looking around the room her eyes came across, her notebook, she had decided to document their time undercover. The typical stuff; progress in the case, characteristics of the guys, and details about shipments.

She sat on a bar stool, parked by the counter, reaching across the counter to the closet pen she flipped the notebook to a fresh page. Tapping her pen on to the paper she thought about what she should write, this was her one hour, and it was already **11:54,** she was wasting time.

She decided to write a letter, to Sam. Placing the pen to paper she just wrote.

_Sam, _  
_I'm sitting here and all I can do is think of you, the last look you gave me before I left, how you would poke fun at me about my allergy to silence on our way up to Sudbury and then I think __that I'm not going to have you around to poke fun at me while I'm under and as weird as this sounds it terrifies me to think about not seeing you everyday, __seeing you laugh and flashing those dimples, just being in your protective atmosphere scares the hell out of me. _

_I know you probably really confused and mad that I didn't show up the other night, but I need you to know that if this opportunity wasn't placed in my lap I would have been __there, just for a drink, to see if this, us could work again. Because as I sit here, there's nothing more I want than to go home and see if we can work again but I __couldn't be that girl. I needed to take this time to learn about who I am, and try to find the Andy who could be function without Sam because at home I was doing a terrible job._

_And I know if you every read this you'll probably roll your eyes at me saying but I couldn't be that girl that puts her entire life on hold for a __guy, I did it once with Luke and I refuse to do it again. I want to be the girl that has someone that goes through life with her, encourages to take opportunities __like this to better themselves, don't get me wrong I'm not saying that you're not that type of person but I just knew that if I walked into that bar, I wouldn't of __left, and then what if we didn't work out again, I would be that girl._

_So, I guess I'm writing this because I wanted you to know that I'm sorry, and write down a bunch of what if's but I'm sorry I didn't show up, I'm sorry if you feel like I didn't want this, us again because I do God believe me Sam, I do. I think the only thing that is going to get me through this is knowing that when I get home we're going to have that drink. And I guess I'll let you take out my garbage, all the way down the hall, and you can definitely make me dinner because as you know I'm not exactly Martha Stewart. As for the dog, we'll talk about it after a few drinks. _

She glanced up at the clock at she shook her wrist, **12:32. **

_As for what I said, I can't do this anymore, what I meant was I can't do this limbo thing we've been doing for the past 3 years, I need to find stable grounds with us, and know that when life gets tough you're not going to shut down again, and walk away. Because honestly Sam, my heart can't take it. It can't take watching you walk away again, I did it before and I don't know how I got through it, actually I don't think I did get through it because I'm sitting here writing to you, when I should be in character as Nick's girlfriend, anyways, I just wanted you to know that I love you too, I think I always have even since we had our first fight after your cover was blown, and I'm almost positive I always will love you Sam. _

She felt her eyes, start to pool with tears again.

_I'll be home soon. _

_-Andy._

She let out a huge sigh, looking down at the notebook she realized how much she had written, in a way she felt like it was a bit jumbly, but it was how she felt. Looks in one of the many drawers in the kitchen she found an envelope, tearing out her pages written to Sam she folded them up nicely and placed them in the envelope, and sealed it. Writing a number one in the top left corner, on the front of the envelope marking her first letter to Sam. She looked back up at the clock, 12:59, _and just like that my hour is up._ She thought as she hid the envelope in a drawer, walked over to the couch and soon surrendering to the need for sleep.

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Should I continue? Let me know! Thanks:)


	2. Chapter 2

Sorry, for the lack of updates, school started! But that also means my procrastinating will come in handy! Enjoy.

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It never got easier. She didn't know if it was her, or her heart. She could never let go of him, let go of Sam. He was on her mind, in little ways, if Nick offered the option of going to a diner for dinner, her mind wondered to the time when they went to Sudbury on a prisoner transport. Or when she lost her cell phone, and she tore apart the apartment, only for Nick to walk out from the washroom and handed it to her, her brain throwing her back to the day Sam gave her phone back from that sweet old Lady that had to call her daughter and let her know she needed help. He was always there, in a not so far corner of her mind, but she never allowed herself to truly think about him, only for the hour a day. It was the little things that reminded her of him, and how much she cared for him.

"_So, hows it going?_" He asked her, as he shuffled over to the fridge looking for milk to add to his cereal.

At first she was confused, _how's what going?_ She thought, he was with her all day, every day and they had gone through the same things everyday, "_Oh, you know the same old, same old, I got up this morning went for a run, came home, had a shower, now I'm to have some breakfast, maybe do some work on bringing down a meth ring, how about you?_" She finished, and gave him a sarcastic smile.

_"Andy, although that was a mind-blowing story you just told, that wasn't what I was asking._" He didn't want to bring it up, and she get all broke again, he could see it in her eyes ever since they got here, it would be little things, when ever he brought up the diner down the street, or when he found her cell phone, he didn't know but she had this look in her eye where she wasn't here, her mind was somewhere else, and when she finally snapped out of it, she looked a little sad. He didn't want her to be sad, that was the last thing he wanted. "_How are things going, without Swarek?_" He looked at her, awaiting a response, he was nervous, he couldn't handle it if he shut him out complete, if they went about the next how-ever-many months, in this awkward, I-don't-like-you phase. As terrible as it sounds, in a way he hoped she would cry, he could handle crying, tears, a runny nose, but he couldn't handle her abandoning him; emotionally, they were all each other had.

As he spoke, her mind began to race, "_Nick, I did this before we left, he broke up with me before we left, I got up and moved on with my life and now I'm here._" She was lying, it was hard, she didn't know what was worse, seeing him everyday and knowing that they weren't together anymore, or not seeing him everyday. "_I mean, yes, I wish we could have worked things out but uhh, you know how there's that one person that you would do anything to be with, like and I mean anything, but faith has other plans, and finally when you do get to be with that person it's everything you imagined but faith has other plans... Well, that's me and Sam._"

After she spoke, he dropped it for now, they finished breakfast, and did a little work on bringing down a meth ring.

Later that night, Nick had decided to go to bed early, and Andy opted to stay up and write to Sam.

_Sam, _

_Well, it's been awhile since and I don't know what to do anymore? I mean I left because I couldn't be that girl anymore, it hurt too much. Seeing you and _

_knowing __that we could make it work sucked. I guess it hurt so much because I knew we made it work their for a bit, but then Jerry, and you broke up with me, _

_you shut __me out completely, and all I wanted was to make it work, I wanted to help you through this. I knew you were grieving and we all grieve in our own _

_ways, but the __last thing I wanted you to was shut me out, I loved you Sam, and standing in that parking lot, you broke my heart completely. And maybe in a way _

_I took this job because I couldn't be around you anymore, but the night before I left you decided to tell me that you wanted to make this to work and Sam, I'm _

_sorry that I couldn't be there to meet you but for the first time in the last couple months I put me ahead of you, I spent so much time thinking about what you _

_wanted or, spending time with you, or just being around you, that like you said, we aren't the same person, and I needed to put my future in front of you. I hope _

_you don't hate me because of it. I just wanted you to know that I was scared, I was scared to jump into this, into us again and get my heart broke like before, _

_because it nearly killed me, and I was scared to be vulnerable with you, I was so open with you, with my feelings and you shut me out, you walked out of my _

_life. _

Lifting her pen from the paper, she stopped, her breathing had gone shaky, her eyes blurry with tears.

_Even though all this has happened, all this emotionally stuff, Sam, I wouldn't give it up for the world, and apart of me hopes that I'll be undercover, and you'll _

_blow my cover, tackle me in an alley and try to kiss me, _

She paused and lightly smiled at the thought of their first encounter.

_Don't have too much fun while I'm gone,_

_-Andy_

She folded the paper like she had every night since she got their, gentle put it in the envelope and put Sam's name on the front, with a number 12 on the top right corner. She realized that it had been 12 days, 12 days without him, 12 days of being without him,_ how am I going to get through this?_ She thought. _I thought Nick said that an hour a day helped, but I just wish that the hour goes by painfully slowly_. For her it felt like the hour she had, flew by and all the others passed by at turtle speed, unfortunately for her.


	3. Chapter 3

**_Sorry for the lack of updates, I just lost my inspiration for this one but I think I got my grove back!_**

**_Shorter but hey it's something right?_**

**_Enjoy, sorry for any and all grammatical errors!_**

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_It had been awhile, for a lot of things. _

_It had been a long time since she had seen his face, for him to rise his eyebrows and jaw drop when she said something that completely floored him, like the day she told him she loved him, his face was perfect, surprised and happy, he didn't have to say it his face said it all. _

_Just thinking about that moment made her smile, a full smile at that, the ones that make your face hurt._

_God, she missed him._

_Vv_

He was looking, more of like a mission really, he was in desperate need of an envelope, he put the names of all the people they came in contact with on a list, business cards and other pieces of identification all there, and the only logical place to hold all of that was an envelope.

"_Andy?! Have you seen the box of envelopes that I got a couple of weeks ago?"_ He called out from the kitchen. She was in the washroom, getting ready, doing her hair actually.

"_Where the hell could have 50 envelopes ran off to?_" He muttered to himself, in disbelief he couldn't find them.

He had already practically torn apart all the drawers that could have potentially held what he was looking for.

"Drawer with the pens?" She yelled from her spot.

He shook his head, he had made a plan in the mess he'd made. All the drawers he had already dug through he left slightly opened. A mental indicator that they were not there. "Nope, checked there already; twice actually." He said laughing to himself.

Finding everything but what he needed, it was hard to believe the amount of crap that they had accumulated in the time they had been there.

At one point he was just going to stop the search and be content that he found a bouncy ball, from the time they went to the movies, and she made up her mind as they exited the theater that she had to have one.

Marching over to one of those dispensing machines, she pulling a loonie from her purse, twisted and he watched as her eyes lit up with excitement.

_"Uhhh, let me think? Did you check the drawer, beside the oven?"_ She called back at him, putting her curling iron down to assist with the desperate search.

_"No, give me a sec,_" He walked over to the drawer, opening it he found the box, with only a few left.

He opened the drawer beneath it and found the real reason why there was only a few left. As he did Andy walked into the cozy kitchen, awaiting his answer.

_"What the hell is this?_" He asked, back facing her.

_"I don't know, I can't see through you? My x-ray vision hasn't come in yet."_ She said jokingly as she took a seat on the bar stool.

He turned and she saw what he was talking about, he had her letters; her letters to Sam. Her mouth fell open slightly, before she caught herself.

_"Andy, what the hell?_" He questioned, he had been very honest with her when they first got here, telling her how to handle all of this. He assumed she was taking it well considering she never talked about it, about him, ever.

But looking down at the few letters in his hand that only represented a small portion of what she had written.

_"What is what?_" She asked him, too nervous to actually look him in the eye.

_"Uh this?!_" He said waving the sealed envelopes around, "_What the hell is this, why have you been doing this?_" He asked again.

She could hear the anger in his voice as the words left his lips, what she couldn't understand was why he cared so much? Whether she wrote to Sam or not, either was she was dealing with it, like he told her to.

And now she had to sit there and get yelled.

_"They're letters Nick?_" She said bluntly.

_"Okay, why have you been writing letters, you can't contact anyone from home? You know that!_" He was getting annoyed at her lack of respect for the rules, which clearly stated you leave your old life behind, no phone calls, text messages, nothing.

_"Do you know how much trouble we both could get in for this?!_"

Rolling her eyes, "_Do you really think I'd be that dumb? To send letters home?_" She stood up out of her seat so they could be on a level playing field. Not one person yelling at another who was just sitting there.

_"Well Andy I've got sign, sealed letters addressed to Swarek of all freaking people and you're going to stand there and tell me that you're noting sending stuff home?_" He was questioning her ability to handle this, all of it. Was she able to be under, and put her life at home on pause to get the job done?

"_You'd risk this, for a guy who dumped you in a parking lot?_" He added.

She couldn't believe he was saying this right now, he had no right to make judgement on what she did.

_"Nick, what are you saying?"_ She asked sternly. Not really caring to hear what he had to say.

_"What I'm saying is are you in this? All in? Because if not Andy tell me know, before something happens. I can call Blackstone, he can pull you, I'll tell the guys we hit a rough patch, broke up. Andy, I left everything, everyone behind I cared about for this opportunity..."_ He paused, to allow himself to breathe.

_"And I didn't?!_" She understood Nick gave up his relationship with Gail to be here, but she left Sam too.

She didn't meet him at the Penny like he begged her today, he offered her everything she had every wanted from him, they could have gotten it right this time but she didn't want to risk it, she didn't want to be that girl.

So yes, she gave up a lot too, possibly her last chance with Sam.

_"Do you really think I would jeopardize everything we've build here to send letters home?_" She paused.

He said nothing, just looked at her.

_"Do you honestly think I'd do that?"_ She asked him again.

He thought she did, he knew how much of a mess she was after her and Swarek split. But he also knew that she loved her job, and she was a damn good cop. But she had put Swarek ahead of her job more than once.

"_Nick?_"

_"I don't know okay? I hope to god not but he has this hold on you, you haven't seen him in months and he's on your mind. And._."

She cut him off, "_I'm doing what **you** told me to do! I'm taking your advice on how to get through this because guess what?! Yes I miss Sam, I miss him more and more everyday and I can do absolutely nothing about it, I can't see him, I can't talk to him, and clearly I sure as hell can't talk to you about him. So every night before I go to I give myself an hour just to miss him. Miss his smile, his laugh, his need to control every situation, because if I didn't I don't know how long I would of been able to do this. I'm trying okay?"_ She said, as the tears filled her eyes.

_"Andy..."_ He said softly, stepping closer.

For every step he took towards her, she took one back.

_"Don't. And to answer my own question, no, I've never sent one of those letter."_

And that was it, the last meaningful conversation they had.

The assignment lasted a few more weeks then they were back home to deal with the lives they left behind.

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**Let me know!**


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